The Difference Between Need and Want
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: A chapter each about this theme with each of the Gravitation characters.
1. Natsukashii

Disclaimer: Gravitation is Murakami-sama's.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 1 - Natsukashii.  
  
There was a boy in my class that annoyed me to no end. His voice was so loud and irritating that I used to cringe at the sound of it.  
That and he used to shout a lot since that's how he expressed himself.  
But one day, he came up to me and somehow all that melted away. I had learned to adjust to this voice, and even thought it was harmonious.  
  
For when that summer vacation that boy named Shuichi left me...  
  
...I realized how much I had missed that baka.  
  
As I look at him practicing, he got frustrated and started to wail. It was me who had to comfort him. At first, I remember freaking out inside my head and the only thing I could do was hug him.   
Wrapping my arms uncertainly around his crying body, I didn't know what he'd do since guys usually didn't do that kind of thing. But Shuichi? He hugged right back.  
  
And I had never felt so warm in my life...  
  
When he looked up to me that time he wanted some ice cream on a whim, I had no money. No means of walking all ten blocks for an atm...but that look.  
  
He had to give me that LOOK...  
  
"Thank you!" he happily cried to me as he licked his strawberry ice cream.  
Inside my head, I wanted to hit my head against a piece of hard cement and shout, 'You baka!!!! What's wrong with you when it comes to Shuichi?!?!'  
It didn't help that he was smiling so brightly and began to run around town while pulling my sleeve along. Though I screamed for him to stop, I laughed while chasing after him all over Tokyo...  
  
But that was then. This is now.  
  
My stupid feelings had not changed at all...  
  
As I looked at Shuichi smiling as he slept on my couch, all these memories came rushing back to me. It was as if I were watching them falling apart and fading away from me.  
  
I honestly felt like Shuichi had left me.  
  
He was taking a nap, but I looked at him carefully while smoking on the balcony.  
Like an idiot, my hand began to raise as if I could catch Shuichi in my hand. Then, he'd be mine forever, right?  
  
As he is sleeping, he won't go anywhere and he'd be with me...but he was so far away...  
  
An ache began to encompass my heart and I couldn't hide it. But being the way I had always been, I smiled...I always smiled...  
  
...when Shuichi and I became part of a band...  
...when Shuichi disappointed himself with our first songs...  
...when we were taken by a major record label...  
...when I had to get Yuki to go to him...  
  
...when he went to Yuki...  
  
...it was the final blow. Shuichi had become even more energetic that he usually was when Yuki was around.  
  
I couldn't compare to that-  
  
"Hiro? What are you thinking about?" Shuichi had awaken and I hadn't noticed as I drifted off in thought.  
Shaking my head and smiling the familiar wistful smile, I said, "Nothing."  
"Hiro?" Shuichi tugged on my shirt and blinked his eyes. "I've always wanted to ask you something."  
"Go shoot." I nodded while lighting another cigarette.  
"What do you really want?"  
  
If only you knew...  
  
Doki doki   
  
...what's in front of me.  
  
doki doki   
  
Smoothly, I answered, "For Bad Luck to get better and better from here on."  
He nodded, satisfied with my answer finding it sufficient. "Me too, but with Yuki also..." he trailed off.  
  
* ache *  
  
When he left, I took out a poem I had made a long time ago, but was going to adjust to be lyrics in our upcoming album:  
  
I am always quiet  
can't you see this isn't  
good for you and me?  
It's the distance that hurts me  
but how come you are so near...  
still cannot teach you.  
Still cannot reach you.  
  
There is no difference between   
Want and Need  
When it comes to you...  
  
I want to become more  
Than you think I am to you  
To be more than I think   
I should be,  
but I'll just smile like always  
hurting away behind the fence  
I've built between us  
as I look at you from afar.  
  
but why are you so near  
when I think you're so far?  
Aching beyond belief,  
I keep on reaching for you  
though I know you won't understand  
this concept of   
reaching back.  
  
There is no difference between  
Want and Need  
when it comes to you.  
  
I took the cursed paper and crumpled it into a fist and began to cry silently in my dark bedroom.  
  
The next day, I came into the recording studio for the next track of our album. But as I practiced my parts, I watched Shuichi carefully.  
  
Want is something you just can live without but think you can't.   
Need is something you must possess no matter the consequences, or else you'll die.  
  
I don't know the difference anymore, Shuichi...   
  
I miss you and you're right in front of me...  
  
--  
Author's note: I love this pairing too... 


	2. Le masque

Disclaimer: Gravitationd doesn't belong to me, but Megami does.  
  
The Difference Between Need And Want  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
  
Chapter 2 - Le Masque  
  
As usual I stood in the back rearranging the music. Again, I secretly sighed.  
There was Hiro. And once more, he was longing for Shuichi. He hid it so well though. So, I don't think anyone really notices this.  
  
But I do.  
  
I know it all too well.   
  
Whether it's because I've seen this type of thing before or if it's because I'm good at reading people. I don't know.  
I just can't tell the difference. It's a thin line and it doesn't help that it's becoming more and more blurry.  
  
Sighing again in my mind and reacting the best I could to these types of situations, when it was break time, I went over to Hiro and patted his shoulder. "Hey you."  
Hiro smiled and turned around. "Yeah?"  
"Want to have lunch?"  
Shrugging his shoulders and holding that smile that didn't fit his mood, he answered, "Sure, why not?"  
  
I didn't like this smile. Ever.  
  
We sat down in a cafe across the street to grab a quick thing to eat. As we sat there, I cleared my throat as Hiro leaned on a fist and watched the cars passing by on the busy street.  
For a while, I didn't say anything but close my eyes and poised as usual as I sipped some of my tea.  
When I was about to open my mouth to stop the disturbing silence, that damned song, 'Le Masque' by Megami Nemutteiruno*, came on and I immediately closed my mouth.  
  
"...I hate playing this masquerading game  
Where I must hide behind a mask  
that holds no promise for  
it's owner.  
  
Everyone plays that game,  
you know you do,  
and yet you try to deny  
The only you,  
the real you.  
  
If you could just see what I mean,  
you'd understand  
my need is only  
your want.  
And your want is   
what I really need.  
  
This feeling cannot change  
because I cannot change it,  
we seem to be standing in time,  
but we are only silent...  
  
Only silent..."  
  
"You seem really quiet today, Fujisaki-san." Hiro finally commented to pick me out of my daydreaming.  
  
Wow, I've never done that before...or at least, while people are around...  
  
"Daydreaming?" I gave him a look that told him otherwise. "I'm just thinking about something."  
"What are you thinking about?" He began to take out a cigarette.   
Putting my hand out, I requested, "Can you please not do that?"  
  
I know you get this way when you're nervous Hiro. You always do that.  
  
"Oh, okay." He answered back as put it back into his pant pocket.  
  
I don't want you to make your life shorter on me...  
I won't accept that...  
  
"To put it truthfully, what's wrong?" I looked at him concerned. Actually, what I wanted was to just go and hug him, but I was going to hold my reserve.  
I was a professional at this. I would always be...  
  
"What are you talking about?" He looked back at me as if there were nothing in the back of his mind.  
  
But I knew better. I knew Hiro too well by now.  
I've hung out so much with him that I should know what's going on in his head.  
Besides, I observed him quite carefully...  
He was an interesting personality that I had not dealt with and wanted to know more about.  
  
The Seguchi family motto: "You either know, or you know more. There is no uncertainty. It isn't in your vocabulary."  
  
My eyes became slits and I gave him a look of 'I'm not convinced.'  
And so I countered with, "You're slouching. You're not listening to your own song. You are 1/16th away from the rhythm. So if you tell me that there is something not wrong, tell me to my face."  
With a stubborn look on his face, he stared at me. "There is nothing wrong, Fujisaki-san."  
  
Closing my eyes in frustration, I kept my calm exterior. "Fine."  
  
At that moment, the song repeated as if to torture me more,   
  
  
"...If you could just see what I mean,  
you'd understand  
my need is only  
your want.  
And your want is   
what I really need.  
  
This feeling cannot change  
because I cannot change it,  
we seem to be standing in time,  
but we are only silent.  
  
(fades to instrumental)"  
  
Kill me with the violin now...  
I loved Megami, but she always seemed to come up at important phases of my life.  
  
Getting up in frustration, I said something that I knew I was going to regret. But, even the mature mind can give out to childish things.   
Without turning around, I harshly said, "If you stare at Shindou-san for too long, you'll only hurt yourself more."  
In silence, I walked away to the front to pay and left the cafe.  
  
When I first met you, you had this smile on your face that I couldn't understand if you were happy or about to cry because you made it possible with the way you did it. And so, I started to watch everyone closely, but you most of all.  
More and more I found myself falling in to you...  
  
All my life, I was able to hold those type of emotions that were considered weak or imperfect to the human race. I was invincible. No one could hurt me if I kept my calm exterior out.  
  
Smooth and in control, I thought my mask was inpenetrable.  
  
"Yeah..." I went into an alley and leaned in back of it. Hitting my fist on the wall I started to cry.   
And that haunting song came back to me. A girl started to sing aloud as she passed by,  
  
"There's a silence you'll hear.  
A whisper that calls from the depths of the heart.  
If you could just see what I mean,  
you'd understand  
my need is only  
your want.  
And your want is   
what I really need..."  
  
Crying harder, I looked down. "Damn you, Hiro."  
  
  
  
Need and want are not the same.   
  
I didn't know that they could be until I met you Hiro.   
  
---  
Author's note: Suguru-kun~! Wah~!  
  
* note *: Megami Nemutteiruno is an original character of my story 'The Voice Actress'. She is supposedly a famous seiyuu and singer. And if you think this sounds like Megumi Hayashibara, yes, I did model her after her. She is my idol. 


	3. Invisible Scar.

Need and Want 3...  
  
Disclaimer: Maki Murakami owns Gravitation. And Zetsuai isn't mine either.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 3 - Invisible Scar.  
  
That incessant crying sounded unusual, and yet it seemed so familiar to my  
ears. It was then that I turned my head towards a random alley near the  
production studio to find him there.  
I couldn't believe he was crying no less...  
"Suguru-kun?" I came trudging through the scraps of paper that seemed to  
typically fly through these types of settings. "Suguru-kun?"  
"Uncle." he answered in a whisper.  
Blowing his nose on a kleenex and rubbing his eyes, he blushed embarrassed   
to  
see me there.  
"What happened?" I patted his shoulder unable to do anything else.  
"..."  
  
This does not bode well with me...  
  
"If you don't want to tell me, I respect that." I then pushed his back to  
walk out of the alleyway, but then I stopped him.  
  
I know only one reason for this turn of events...  
I myself know this exact situation...  
  
After messing up his hair and getting it out of his face, I handed him my  
handkerchief. "You always have to look presentable. No matter the costs."  
He took it knowingly rubbing his face and saying, "A Seguchi who shows his  
emotions in public is a cause for the entire family's shame."  
Nodding my head and smiling, we headed out of the alleyway.  
"Cheer up, Suguru-kun." Putting my hands into my long trenchcoat, I turned  
towards the direction of the production studio. "Now you know love's a   
bitch."  
I looked at him with the sides of my eyes and smiled still.  
For a second, he was a little shocked. But then, he laughed and sighed.  
"Nothing ever gets past you, Uncle. Ja."  
He walked his way and I walked mine.  
"Now you know love's a bitch," I repeated quietly to myself and laughed a   
bit  
as I waited on the street corner. "Boy, I learned the hard way..."  
  
I was talking with a friend when I passing by a library in Kyoto...  
  
[flashback]  
With a quick glance at the entrance, I kept my cool and still focused on my  
friend who was telling me about her fascination with clothes. I think that   
was  
why I had learned to dress this way.  
But more than that, she was only 12, and yet she was already being recruited   
to  
fashion schools from all over.  
"Touma, so what do you think?" She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to  
look through her bookbag.  
  
It is more down time to look at that beautiful person coming out of the  
library...  
  
"Kore." She then shoved seven boards worth of sketch designs for her   
upcoming  
fashion project. "So, what do you think?"  
I studied them carefully. "I think you should change the coloring for this  
one. And this one is horrendous. Change it."  
Lifting up my head to yet get another glimpse of them for the back, I   
answered  
my friend Miho, "Other than that, they're fine."  
She pouted for a bit. "But I like the coloring for this one. Are you this   
one  
isn't good?"  
I nodded and we started to walk on again. But as she talked to me, inside   
my  
mind, I was distracted.  
  
Who are you?  
  
But of course, I never let my guard down.  
  
[end of flashback]  
  
With a sly smile, I entered the building and rode up the elevator to my   
office.  
The smile wouldn't come off. It was something until this day had an impact   
on  
my mood no matter how much time had passed...  
  
[flashback]  
"I have to find a bride?" I questioned my father. "I'm only 14 and a half.  
What kind of thing is this?"  
He gave me a look. "As heir you have to do as I say, Touma. Don't you dare  
talk back to me."  
With a grudging nod, I muttered calmly, "Hai."  
  
And it just happened that I met her, my match...who also happened to be my  
classmate: Uesugi Mika.  
When I first went into her home, I was so upset, but being the way I am, I  
never let these things show. Growing up in my home, there was no time to  
whine, but to kill whatever had to be done and solved.  
As we both stared at one another reluctantly in our places on the floor,  
someone passed by. And through that crack, I caught a glimpse of someone.  
I caught my breathe but it was a little loud.  
  
That wasn't...  
Oh my god...  
  
Later I was introduced to Mika's two younger brothers. The older one's  
introduction went like this:  
  
"Hello, my name is..." he said as he shook my hand with a smile. Gleaming   
blue  
eyes protruded through the clear glasses...  
  
...an addicting smile indeed.  
  
"So, you like to read?" I asked stupidly not really knowing what to say.  
"Yes." He smiled even more hugging his books. "But I like to write even   
more."  
I nodded.  
"I want to become a novelist someday..."  
  
At the end of the day, I went into my room, looked into the mirror and   
stared  
at myself.  
  
So many people have walked in and out of my life. So many have liked me and   
so  
many have I had a crush on, but to fall in love? I couldn't come up with a  
name...except one.  
  
With a deadpan look to my reflection, through the moonlight, I mumbled   
softly,  
"I'm marrying the wrong person."  
  
[end of flashback]  
  
As my secretary came into the room to tell me the rest of the day's   
activities,  
I nodded my head accordingly. "Okay, so..."  
When we were finished, I sat at my desk and started to sign some documents   
as  
well as read the upcoming events that I had to attend to. But I sighed and   
I  
couldn't help but think of my nephew.  
"My poor Suguru-kun..."  
Then, I stopped to put on a song in a CD that I gave to Yuki years ago. It   
was  
right after I met him and found out he liked a certain artist. And so I   
gave  
him the CD by the idol named Koji Nanjo and the song I wanted Yuki to hear   
was  
called, "Dousurebaii?"  
Many could translate it to 'What should I do?' but that doesn't do it  
justice...no, it wouldn't.  
  
Getting up from chair, I looked down on Tokyo. Smiling as a tear fell down  
from cheek, I nodded to myself. "Yeah, love's a bitch all right."  
"What's the Seguchi motto again," I sarcastically said to myself. "Oh yes.  
You either know, or know more. There is no uncertainty. It is not part of  
your vocabulary."  
  
I knew the true meaning of that sentence when I had stared at my first love  
coming out of the library. I wanted to know everything about that person.  
Everything because it was such a pure love...  
...I cannot describe it. Until I fail at this description.  
  
Then to find out later, she wasn't a 'she' at all...it was a boy.  
  
"With You...  
I know I will be a fool to do anything in a heartbeat...  
To protect that smile on your face..."  
  
These were my thoughts while I walked home after first meeting Yuki.  
  
At 15, upon meeting him, I for the first time, didn't care if I sobbed   
aloud.  
Without discretion, without rhyme or reason, I cried.  
  
Thereafter finding out that it was the brother of my current wife, the more   
I  
saw him the more it tortured me. It was then that I knew my feelings were  
beyond need and want. They were much, much deeper than the blood running  
inside my veins. It would be a scar that invisibly bled and would grow with  
time elapsing...  
  
  
---  
Author's note: Touma...what a cool guy...  
  
I just wanted to find some type of 'circle' overlapping Touma's feelings...  
I know that sounds odd, but just nod your head and smile. I'm just being   
weird as usual. 


	4. Hounto ni subete o shirimasu ka? (Do yo...

Disclaimer: Maki Murakami owns Gravi and I just love it too much to leave it untouched.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 4 - Hounto ni subete o shirimasu ka? (Do you really know everything?)  
  
"Sachou!" I said with my voice a bit inclined to shout, but not quite. Here I had been trying to get his attention for about ten minutes and this was the first time he had seemed so distracted...yet...  
Like always, the environment around him was very peaceful. But the look in his eyes was not that of the man I looked up to.  
  
It looked defeated.  
  
And that was something I wouldn't accept from him...  
  
But, I kept my cool. If I freaked out for something like that, he might suspect more of me. That the way I looked up to him was the way Shindou-kun admired Sakuma-san.  
  
That is not so, Sachou.  
  
Before I could stop myself, I patted his shoulder without knowing why.  
"So what is the update for Bad Luck?"  
We then relayed to each other what the other needed to know.  
  
When I was bowing and turning to leave the room, Sachou stopped me.  
Then, Sachou did something that struck me as something out of his character. He walked up to the windows and looked down at streets and buildings of Tokyo below him. And he put his hands over one another in back of him.  
Without taking a glance at me, he asked calmly, "I want to ask you something Nakano-san."  
Turning around, I watched him carefully, I hesitantly answered, "Yes."  
  
But I know deep inside, I'm screaming, "Anything. Just ask me anything..."  
  
"Do you remember your first love?"  
  
I had not expected that one...  
  
Pulling somewhat of my collar and sweating a bit, I answered honestly, "Of course I do. Everyone does."  
He nodded his head. "So true," he agreed while sighing. "So true..."  
I, who wouldn't ever question him, blurted, "But why would you ask me something like that, Sachou?"  
  
I wish I didn't have such a stupid mouth...  
especially when it came to him...  
  
Seguchi-san turned and smiled at me as he leaned on the window with his feet crossed.  
  
That's so cute...  
I wish I could be as cool as he is right now...  
This was the type of perfection I wanted to reach.  
  
With crystal clear blue eyes, he answered me, "I asked because I know you wouldn't lie to me."   
I nodded my head. "Of course, Sachou."  
He shook his head and pushed himself to come closer to me. He lifted his hands to my face and softly rested them on my cheeks.   
  
"Uh, Sachou..."  
  
What is he doing? I'm growing hotter and hotter...  
I'm not supposed to feel this way...  
  
But why aren't I protesting?  
Not at all...  
  
"Do you think I'm weak to do this type of thing?"  
Shaking my head, I answered, "No, not at all!"  
Still unable to look into his face, he harshly commanded, "Then look at me, Sagano-san!"  
I slowly lifted my eyes to look at his.  
"That's better."  
  
He looked at me with a sorrowful look that I had wished couldn't cut me in two...  
  
And then I felt his warm arms around my back.  
  
You must know how much I have wanted so much to react back...  
To be able to show my emotions without a second thought...  
  
Burying his face into my hair, he embraced me even tighter. "That's better, Sagano-san..."  
"For now, think of that person." Whispering to both himself and me, he said, "Look at me like that."  
  
My eyes wandered to the ground as I agreed with a heart-filled yet usual sounding Hai.  
  
That isn't so hard, Sachou. In fact, it's the easiest thing you've asked me to do.  
Because you are.  
Since you seem to know everything, I thought you already knew.  
  
You would also have noticed how I have needed to quench this unending fear...  
...this persisting need of wanting to be the one you love without showing any emotion at all...  
  
So I guess you are have a vulnerable human heart...  
for if you really knew everything, you would know I never wanted to hold my feelings back of my own free will...  
  
--  
Author's note: Isn't Sagano so cute when he's so analytical? 


	5. Kanashimi.

Disclaimer: Maki Murakami owns this wonderful series and I'm really honored to share my thoughts with fanfics.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want.  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 5 - Kanashimi.  
  
I walked to Seguchi-san's door and knocked. When I opened the door, there was Sakano sitting at his usual chair as Seguchi-san was at his desk with folded hands.  
  
The calm and composed. He never failed to amaze me.  
  
Sakano got up and bowed. "Goodbye Sachou. I will relay all the messages to K-san."  
We walked out and Sakano pulled out his handkerchief as we were walking down the hall.  
"You look like you have a fever."  
Alarmed, he shook his head that he didn't.  
"Is it something bad again?" I asked. I remembered the last time this happened. Shuichi was in a slump a couple of hours before a concert...  
He then told me the itinerary for Bad Luck and I sighed in relief and didn't grab the gun out of my pocket again.  
I left Sakano to go home. It was already 9 at night and I was not fond of the night life. It was fun to be the life of the party, but even people like that get tired.  
I was very tired.  
Running this group was fun, but it took lots of hard work and dedication along with much patience. I think that's why I took guns to scare everyone, but most of all, it was a control.  
  
My footsteps echo in the quietness of my apt...  
  
I am reminded that there is no one in my apartment. I am reminded that my wife and my son are not with me.   
They are in America. Or when they come to visit, it's not too long either. I treasure those moments when I can hold my son in my arms and not let go...  
  
At night, when he comes, I go to his room and hold him in my arms. I end up sleeping that way because I've missed him so much. And my pride just won't let me cry.  
  
My pride won't let me cry...  
  
I walked through my apartment and put my gun on the counter. With a sly smile while looking at it, I say, "Heh."  
  
That gun was a reminder to me.  
  
It was a constant memo to myself that loneliness was only a moment away. I had gone crazy the first few times that I had to go on trips abroad or around with Nittle Grasper.  
It was a personal ordeal that I had to keep up with a smile and not bring people down with.  
  
It was my war, not theirs. So, I never shared my inner most feelings of this whole situation.  
  
I think only my wife knows how much I feel about this whole thing, and I thank her for being understanding. Hey, she hasn't left me yet and she even gave me a son, who is my Michael.  
  
In a time when I lost my mind, I took a gun, but then I thought of my angel baby, my son Micheal.  
And so then on, it was an ongoing joke to myself about this gun or other ones that I mess around with.  
  
My constant want for peace came with an enduring need to be whole.  
  
How would my family survive without me?  
Simple,  
I can't survive with them.  
  
They are what I want to be with. They are the life energy I need to live. They are intertwined in my mind that you cannot tear either one from me lest you wish to kill me in the process.  
  
I took up the picture frame and went outside to lean on the balcony while undoing my tie. While drinking a can of beer, I watched the city lights glimmer brightly.  
  
As long as I am under the same sky,  
I know they are with me.  
They are looking at the same moon,  
as I am now.  
  
---  
Author's note: K...different, ne? 


	6. Kizu. (To cut.)

Disclaimer: Gravi isn't mine, but I love it enough to use it as if it were...  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 6 - Kizu. (To cut.)  
  
"What a beautiful night it is!" Looking out the window, I took a deep   
breath and waved my arms like the little kid inside my heart.   
"Sugee~!"  
It never failed to amaze me. The lights of Tokyo were very pretty, but the moon was even prettier. Then, I remembered aloud, "Ah! I forgot to call K today!"  
Rushing to the phone before I would forget, I quickly dialed the   
memorized number.  
"Mushi mushi?" I said to the phone.  
"Ah, Ryuichi." K answered on the other end. "I was about to just call   
you."  
"Sou desu ka?" I smiled happily and then asked, "So, is there anything   
I need to be updated about?"  
"No, not today." K replied.  
"Oh, okay." I nodded knowing he couldn't see me. "I'll see you then. I'm going out."  
"Alright. Bye."  
"Ja."  
The receiver clicked and I stared at the phone for a moment. Then, I   
put it on the hook.   
Again, I stood there in front the phone with a curious look on my face   
and rubbed my fingers on my chin. "Hmm..."  
  
I can't...  
  
Again, for the millionth time that night, I started to pace about the   
room looking at that telephone as if it were going to bite me.   
  
I don't think I should...  
Maybe I can make an excuse to him-  
  
RING!  
"AAH!" I screamed to myself. Grabbing my chest, I breathed deeply.   
"Just the phone..."  
"Hello?"  
"Shuichi-kun~!" I smiled to myself. "So why are you calling me   
today?"  
"Ah...sou desu ka?" Again, I nodded to a nonexistent person in front   
of me. "Go to a party? I don't think that would be too bad."  
  
Doki Doki...  
  
"Everyone's going to be there? Really? Who's coming?"  
  
Smooth, Ryuichi. Really smooth.  
  
"Ah, sou desu ka..." Smiling happily, I replied, "No problem. I'll   
see you there. Ja."  
Putting the phone down, I grinned more than I usually did.  
  
Tatsuha was going to be there...  
* smile *  
  
But so would Touma.  
* sigh *  
  
Grabbing my jacket from the closet, I suddenly felt like taking a walk   
outside. "Yeah, a cool breeze is always comforting," I convinced   
myself.  
Putting my hands into my jacket and pulling my cap a bit lower to cover   
somewhat of my eyes, I walked around the streets with no particular   
place to go. When I stopped, I found myself in front of the recording   
studio.  
Smiling to myself, I shook my head in disbelief and yet I believed the   
irony of it all. "Guess it's a sign."  
I walked over to the building and somehow got to the room. Thanks to   
Touma, I was able to access the building without any trouble. "That's   
Touma for you."  
And somehow, that single remark made me sigh. As I opened the door to   
the recording booth, I heard the echo of the door penetrate the walls   
around me. Closing the door seemed so loud now.  
Flicking on the rest of the lights, I adjusted everything to my liking.   
I've been through this so much that I know how the systems work. From   
people to the music to the stage, I've mastered them all.  
Leaning on the switchboard while overlooking the empty recording booth,   
I said to myself, "It takes a four minute song on stage about 2 or more   
days to be perfected here. And yet, people don't know these things."  
  
That's such a Touma thing to say.  
  
And the more and more I looked at that microphone, I remembered the   
prepping and scolding I got from him. He, until now, is such a   
professional that it's not even funny anymore. He really is 'intact'.  
And yet, he put up with me and my antics. My childish was something   
that I couldn't understand how he could stand.  
  
He is cold...and yet so warm also...  
Contradictory, but that's how I think of him.  
  
I walked down to speak to the microphone. Putting on the headphones, I   
closed my eyes and snapped my fingers to a continuous tempo.  
  
My eyes change whenever I sing...  
  
"When you say that I sleep with  
One eye open,  
this paper doll exists deep inside you.  
I am of no use to you  
and yet you love me   
To death.  
  
I love to look at you  
looking at me  
and yet your glare  
is something I wonder about  
when you're next to me.  
  
My lips are weapons  
that speak what shouldn't,  
that protest what should be,  
and kill what must.  
You've however  
gotten the best of me.  
  
When you say that I sleep with  
One eye open,  
this paper doll exists deep inside you.  
I am of no use to you  
and yet you love me   
To death.  
Enough to cut me to   
little pieces."  
  
I stopped singing and sighed. "The song I never finished, 'Kizu'. The   
song I was going to present to Touma in high school."  
Then, I leaned on the door. With my back to the wall, I pounded my   
fist on it. "Yeah, like I'm going to say, 'Sempai, I made a song for you   
because I have a crush on you.'"  
  
And Touma didn't help at all. The more we practiced in our band, we   
crossed that line between love and friendship when I kissed him on the   
cheek. And he looked at me with blinking eyes and a smile saying that I   
was sweet like Mika's brother.  
That of whom I now know is novelist Yuki Eiri.  
  
We left it like that.  
  
It doesn't help when you see your first crush more than you really   
should. It really isn't healthy.   
And then you try to hide it even more by being genki.  
No...  
  
When I threw my Kumagorou at Tatsuha, I knew there was something wrong   
with him. I, who never let that thing go for all the world, did for   
Tatsuha-kun.  
Blinking my eyes even at myself (inside I was very shocked), I watched   
his every move that night in a daze.  
This is how it felt like: A rush of blood flushes to your face and so   
you can't stop blushing. You smirk trying so hard not to smile but to   
no success.   
  
And because you couldn't reach out and touch him...you make Kumagorou   
do it for you.  
  
I whacked myself in the forehead for that many times and I still do it!  
  
Stupid Ryuichi! Why can't you be cool and calm like on stage when   
you're with either of them?  
Because they're different people.  
  
My liking, my want, my need for them is different.  
  
For Touma, I want him to see more than he wants to see. I need him to   
stop looking at me like a kid...  
but I don't help that with a pink bunny...  
  
For Tatsuha, I want him to know it's more than a 'you're my fan and   
that's all you are to me' type of thing.   
And need? I just do.  
Don't know why, but he's like Kumagorou. Once you have him, you can't   
give it back because you love him too much...  
  
Love...  
  
I opened the door and walked out of the building to find that it was   
already morning. "Great, I didn't sleep."  
But, being me, I clenched my fists, grinned and consoled myself with,   
"It's not too bad."  
  
That night, when I entered the party, I hated Fate.  
On the left side of the room, there was Touma at the counter drinking.   
To my right, there was Tatsuha leaning on the couch with his arms out   
and crossing his legs looking really cute and cool...  
  
With my genki expressions, I came into the room like my sempai:  
Calm, collected, and cool.  
  
Walking up to Touma, I wrapped my arm slowly on his shoulders and   
smiled to say that I was here. And as always, he smiled back at me.  
  
No matter how much time has passed...  
...this love/hate relationship I've had inside myself for this   
person...  
it will never change.  
  
Then, I made the last lyrics to my song in my head as I passed him:  
"I'll throw you away  
Like you did to me.  
I'm your doll,  
but with your cold heart,  
you're not even human."  
  
Tatsuha-kun stood up to greet me.  
  
I'll hide it.  
  
Blinking my eyes, I pretended to yawn when I was really crying.   
Grabbing his neck with my arm playfully, I brushed my lips softly on his   
cheek without making it seemed that I kissed him.   
  
The thing that I unable to say to Touma, I'll say to you...  
  
"I really like you. You're like Kumagorou." Unable to catch myself, I   
stood there for a moment in the midst of people talking but pretending   
as if no one were there, I finished, "Do I really have to let go of you   
now?"  
Blushing, Tatsuha smiled cooly and whispered back, "Never. I don't   
think I'll let you, Ryuichi-san."  
  
Leaning back up and taking off my arm, he went to sit back down. I   
went about the room jumping around and putting my hands on everyone   
shoulders. Bouncing around, I then came across Tatsuha after greeting   
everyone.  
Standing in back of the couch, I leaned down and wrapped my arms over   
his shoulders and smiled. Looking around, I whispered very lowly,   
"'Ryuichi' is just fine with me."  
  
I then realized the difference between you and Touma.  
  
I've wanted Touma for a long time...  
...but I've needed you for much longer. Much more than you can   
imagine...  
...So much so that it cut so deep inside.  
  
---  
Author's note: Damn, damn, damn...why am I such a sucker for   
genkiness...doushite...?! 


	7. No words.

Disclaimer: gravi isn't mine...eh, too lazy. you imagine what's here.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 7 - No words.  
  
As Ryuichi held my shoulders, my body and mind were separate entities   
in and of themselves.  
My mind was going a million miles per split second while my body froze   
as I turned red in embarrassment, though I acted like it was the most   
natural thing in the world for my god to touch me...  
  
Yeah...right.  
  
"Excuse me, Ryuichi." I got up and left the room only to close the   
door behind me and bite my fist to kill two birds with one stone: He was so adorable! And he touched me!!   
  
"I'm not dreaming?" I pinched myself to make sure. With the positive   
confirmation, I shouted, "Alright!"  
Looking around cautiously, I sighed and did something that I thought   
I'd never do even in my waking hours. Silently, I jumped up and down   
like a fanatic fan girl and closed my eyes tightly to whisper to myself, "Ryuichi touched me. Ryuichi touched me..."  
  
Then, I adjusted my collar and cleared my throat. "Geez, Tatsuha,   
you're such a dork."  
  
"Ahou." My brother, who had been there all that time watching me,   
looked at me with his deadpan expression.   
Pushing past me, he stopped and patted my head. "Wash your face. I   
don't think you've noticed that your nose was bleeding, you idiot."  
Blinking, I waved my hand sheepishly, "Eh heh heh..."  
  
While washing my face, I couldn't help but smile. And it was the kind   
of smile that wouldn't go away even if it hurt your face to do so   
because you were so damn happy.  
But pain was of no avail to Ryuichi! I'd take anything!   
  
Bring it on!!!!   
  
Being the avid fan of his that I am, I kneeled to the floor and bowed   
towards his direction. "Oh thank you god. Thank you thank you thank   
you!"  
Feeling lightheaded again, little Tatsuhas inside my mind were   
laughing, giggling, and jumping all over the place. One had a little banner saying, "Ryuichi!" Another one in a monk's uniform was dancing while saying, "You should be calm everyone."  
But all the other chibi Tatsuhas jumped him and tied him up while   
partying once more.  
  
"Even my chibis are getting more violent," I pondered aloud. "Oh   
well."  
  
I was touched my god...I was touched by my go~od...I was touched by my   
go~od!  
  
You may not understand, but I've been in love with him for the longest   
time. I know I wasn't supposedly to fall for a guy, but with someone   
that cool, how could I resist?  
And his mixed personality was just as crazy as mine...  
...so cute to make me melt...  
...yet so sexy to make me...make me...  
  
"Tatsuha-kun, you're drooling," Shuichi said as he washed his hands   
while I was still looking at the mirror of the bathroom.  
I put my hand on the back of my head and started to laugh. "Eh heh   
heh...Etou..."  
  
And we'll leave it at that.  
  
As I was walking back to the room, I couldn't help but start thinking   
about how this all came about. Opening the door to the room, I   
immediately searched for Ryuichi. My eyes were thinking on their own.  
But, I still sat on the couch for a couple of minutes when I noticed   
that it was already midnight and everyone was dispersing.  
As everyone left, I said bye and Ryuichi took me out of the room. We   
went to a corner and he patted my shoulder smiling. "Well, I'll see you later, Tatsuha-kun?"  
"Okay."  
As he turned around, he smirked cutely at me and kissed me quickly on   
the lips. "Ja ne~."  
I watched him go away with my hand in my pocket and looking cool. As   
soon as he was out of sight, my knees gave out and I pinched myself.  
  
"I'm not dreaming!!!! I'M NOT DREAMING!"  
  
Shuichi came over to me and dragged me back to the room. "Instead of   
swooning there, help us out."  
  
There were Shuichi and Yuki picking up all the trash before going home.   
They had only borrowed this place for Yuki's birthday, but knowing my   
brother, we used the excuse of 'gathering'.   
  
As I picked up around the room, I thought, "It was because of that look   
when he was singing..."  
  
No one has that kind of look. It was so soft, yet intense enough to   
make it look so seductive that you couldn't resist unless you were really inhuman to do so.  
But then, when I watched his videos over and over, I thought that he   
was too cool for me to touch. People like that don't fall for ordinary   
people...and a monk, no less?  
  
Sighing to myself, I smiled wistfully.   
All the factors were against me:  
1) He was 15 years older than me.  
2) He was a famous singer.  
See, I could handle that if it were just that, but he was a 'he'   
Ryuichi was a guy. And that used to depress me just knowing this single fact.   
  
With all that, I knew that it would be impossible to even get a glimpse   
of him. But then, I did. When I was 12, I know he has forgotten, but   
I haven't.  
Seguchi-san was just visiting Ni-chan. And he had brought a friend.  
  
That friend was Ryuichi Sakuma.  
  
From the slit on the wall in between the two doors of the den, I   
watched them talk. But I kept on staring at Ryuichi.  
I was so close, yet so far. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I   
couldn't. I couldn't even find an excuse to come in because I would   
get in trouble.  
Even if I did find an excuse, I was so breathless that I didn't know   
what to say. Picture seeing the person you had learned to love the most and never had a chance of seeing them, only to watch them walk through the threshold of your home trying to decipher if this was joke, a dream, or both....  
  
But then, turning towards my direction, he smiled while looking around   
the room. He was genki...  
...and that made him so much cuter to me.  
  
Blinking my eyes, I wanted to see more, but the maid got upset with me   
and said I shouldn't peep in on other people. So, I went to my room   
only to find that they were leaving at that moment.  
Plastering myself to the window, I watched them leave. Seguchi-san   
waved to me after being surprised that I was watching them. And then   
Ryuichi dipped his head a bit and waved goodbye to me.  
  
I smiled for such a long time after that. But then, I also wanted to   
cry.   
  
Until now, I had thought the same thing every time I read about or saw   
him on TV:  
Why was Ryuichi always so near and yet so far away from me?  
  
WHAP!   
"Ahou! Stop daydreaming about Sakuma-san again!" my brother scolded.  
  
"Hai, hai." I nodded my head and was no longer distracted as I grinned   
to myself.  
"Wipe that disgusting grin off your face," my brother yet again   
scolded. "It's most disturbing,"  
I stopped wiping the counter and asked him seriously, "Ni=chan."  
With a cigarette stuck in his mouth as he wiped the other side of the   
counter, he answered, "Nani?"  
"What do think of when someone says the words 'need' and 'want'?"  
  
I had to ask him. Yuki Ni-chan never liked small talk, so I had to   
always ask him random things like this to keep his interest.  
But I really want to know, Ni-chan. You never tell anyone and even   
Shuichi gets confused all the time because of that...  
  
Because to me...  
Ryuichi is more than a want to me.   
Ryuichi is more than a need to me.   
It's beyond love and obsession...something that I can no longer   
describe with human words.  
  
I'm most fortunate that my most important want and need...  
...also wants and needs me back...  
  
---  
Author's note: kawaii...kawaii...Tatsuha and Ryuichi...so many   
possibilities... 


	8. Blind Game

Disclaimer: Gravitation is the creative product of manga artist Maki Murakami. It was just so tempting to use these characters, but they're obviously not mine!   
  
The Difference between Need and Want  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 8 - Blind Game  
  
"What do think of when someone says the words 'need' and 'want'?" my   
brother's question persisted inside my head for a moment.  
  
I would have choked if I didn't know how to control myself...  
  
Then, Shuichi laughed. "Wow, I just asked Hiro something like that   
three days ago."  
  
I looked at Shuichi, almost feeling a bit distraught inside for him to   
mention his best friend.  
I then took the cigarette out of my mouth, and looked straight into   
Tatsuha's eyes. "Blind game. Now don't ask me more stupid questions."  
  
Again smoking and wiping the counter, I knew that wasn't a stupid   
question at all. It was just something that irritated to me to no end.  
I had already asked these questions to myself so many times, and yet   
people continued to needle me with their nonsense as if they had never   
thought of something like that until now.  
  
"But why a blind game?"   
It was Shuichi who had asked this because Tatsuha had known me well   
enough to see that I was going to snap if he asked me any more questions that I didn't feel like answering at this time.  
  
Unable to look at him, I answered while concentrating on checking on   
what else to clean, "It's a blind game. You think you may know what you may need and want, but then you might need and want something else, but you can't really see that."  
I then looked at Shuichi. "Understand?"  
He shook his head.  
I sighed. "It means that you're blind either way. You don't know what   
you want or need until certain situations put you in the position to   
make a decision."  
"Oh..."  
  
Inside my head, I was relieved that that would occupy him for a while.   
For if he would ask anymore, I think I would get angry enough to not   
start crying or get soft, which would irritate the hell out of me.  
Why did my idiotic brother had to ask, I don't know, but it may have to   
do with Sakuma Ryuichi. He was most blind with that man that he loved.  
  
But I am too.  
I act so suave, but inside, Shuichi drives me crazy in annoyance and with his childish charm...  
  
"Okay, we're done," Shuichi said and Tatsuha said bye as we locked the   
door behind us.  
  
At the parking lot, I watched Shuichi happily go to the car as I   
trailed behind with yet another cigarette in my hand being lit.  
  
That boy...that Shuichi...  
  
"Why are you stopping, Yuki?" Shuichi looked at me as I had noticed   
that I had stopped walking all together. "Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Betsuni." I said as I resumed walking again and opened the doors for   
us.  
  
While driving, Shuichi fell asleep and his head fell on my shoulder.   
Looking at him, I whispered, "Baka."  
But then, at a stop, I placed my jacket on him. "You really are a lot   
of trouble. You know that?"  
And all he could mumble was my name, "Yuukii..."  
  
At the stop before the on ramp to the freeway, I kissed his forehead.  
  
It's when you're quiet that I can be sweet with you. You won't react   
as much. You're silence is so strange though...  
  
But why did my stupid brother have to pose such a question to me? He   
knows very well that when he does that, I won't stop thinking until I   
have a very thorough answer to justify what I said. But this   
justification was to myself though I made perfect sense in my answer.  
  
Before, my need, my most significant need was for Yuki to love me. To   
see beyond my ways as a child and to look at me. To really look at me   
and wait for me.  
I wanted him to understand the depth of love...  
the unconditional love I gave to him as a child and was willing to give   
for the rest of my life.  
  
With tears about to emerge, but my pride not letting them come out, I   
just rolled opened the window to get some wind in my face. Flipping the cigarette box flap open, I began to smoke again.  
  
Breathe...  
  
THAT was what need and want were to me, Tatsuha.   
My bitterness towards someone like that will never fade.  
  
And as I look at Shuichi, it is no better. This person that I wanted   
to leave because he was giving me that unconditional love that I once   
gave...  
...I don't want him to be consumed by this.  
  
Need.  
I need my space. Shuichi is crowding me, and yet I don't mind him   
distracting me. I let him do as he pleases because I need to be near him.  
I don't know why that's so important to me, but when he's gone, I grope   
at the invisible person next to me.  
  
Want.  
I am caught between him leaving and staying. I want him to leave me.   
He is someone I don't think I can deal with. And yet, I want him to   
stay because...  
  
...just because he's being himself.  
  
As I parked my car, I shook my head and knew that Shuichi wouldn't wake   
up now. No matter what I would do.  
"You ahou," I mumbled softly. I then picked him up and kicked the door shut.  
  
While going up the elevator, I look at your sleeping face.  
I don't think I was prepared for you to come to my life, Shuichi...  
For you to give that depth of love that I wanted to give, I no longer   
know how to show, but I absolutely feel that for you...  
For you to be so genki and full of life for a person who likes to be   
undisturbed and quiet, but you came with no warning...  
  
That's why I called YOU a blind game, Shuichi.  
I always thought I knew what I wanted and what I needed. But no. I was   
very mistaken.  
When I fell in love with you, I saw my preconceived notions were a   
blur.   
  
I walk blindly in a game with my sleeve being tugged by your hands every single day.   
  
And honestly, I don't mind anymore.  
  
---  
Author's note: Aww...Isn't Yuki so cute when he's contemplating about Shuichi? Hee hee... 


	9. Nakitakunai. (I don't want to cry.)

Disclaimer: Gravitation is the cute shounen ai series made by Maki Murakami. I'm just using the characters because I love them to pieces, so try to sue me for that...  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
Chapter 9 - Nakitakunai. (I don't want to cry.)  
  
While looking at my half-naked husband sleeping next to me, I couldn't help but think at the oddity of this whole situation. He had fallen asleep and here I was watching him sleep...  
...well, maybe it would be weird for him, but not for me.  
As I brushed the hair away from his face, he turned towards my direction and mumbled softly, "Mmm...Yuki."  
  
Stab.  
  
I stopped running my fingers through his hair and blinked at him. But I was not surprised anymore. It just pinched my heart every time. And gradually, it began to twist it with all its power every single time he called for my younger brother and not for me...Mika.   
  
His wife, Mika.  
  
Being prideful, I couldn't cry at all. I just resumed looking at him.  
Sitting closer to him, I pulled his head to sleep on my lap.  
  
You're so warm, Touma.  
And you have always been kind.  
  
I think what I've taught most to Yuki is that no matter how much you may want to show what you feel, you've got to keep it inside and act relaxed through anything. It was something that I had perfected and somehow it permeated to that twisted mind of his.  
Hey, we're siblings, what do you expect?  
  
Through the steel exterior, I'm helpless when I look at Touma....  
  
I've held him like this for ages. And I've hugged him at night as he turned unconsciously away from me.   
These little rejections are like pricks of a rose. They irritate you, they hurt you, the make you bleed without anything on their part. But because they're so charming and beautiful, you still try to touch them despite the danger.  
And so, whenever you call my brother's name, I'm gradually wilting inside.  
  
Smiling at you, I place my head on yours and think of the times we've shared alone. Rare...these kinds of situations are rare for you and me because we're both busy people. But no, I have not forgotten any of them. Not one.  
Not with you in them, Touma.  
  
I remember the first time you said hi to me in high school. I looked at you and then passed you as if to say, "Who the hell are you to talk to me?"  
But when I left school, I blushed and thought, "He...actually...said hi to me..."  
When you first kissed me, I turned my head away, but you caught me off guard and kissed me on the lips by anticipating the side I would turn to. Inside, I wanted to tell you that I had loved you ever since I first saw you in class. But outside, I glared in anger at such a smooth move as if we were already a couple even though we weren't yet.  
  
Then after that...your focus was on Yuki...  
  
But you still asked me to marry you and I was so happy, but I didn't act like it at all. I even went abroad to avoid you, only to find you leaning on my doorstep ready to take me back to Japan saying, "I only came to visit Ryuichi, and I thought I'd see you too..."  
  
Shaking my head, I stare at you even more.  
  
THAT'S the kind of effect you have on me. The way Yuki fell for his tutor doesn't compare with what I've felt for you...  
  
I may act one way, but I mean another. You KNOW this Touma...  
  
Holding him tighter in my arms, I shook lightly as if I would lose him any second.  
  
I...  
I want you to look back at me like that...  
  
Blink...blink.  
  
I need you to just look at me Touma. Only at me this time...  
  
In a blur, I see him looking up at me and reach up his hand to my cheek with a smile. Then, he fell back asleep.  
  
And you've twisted me so well because I've let you. Everytime I've thought, I want to leave before I'm consumed in this grief, you do something to keep my hope alive...that hope that you'll feel the way you do for Yuki but for me...  
  
Drip...Drip...  
  
Wiping my face, I got up abruptly while placing my sleeping Touma on a pillow and placing a blanket over his shoulders.   
  
I refuse to cry.  
  
Picking up the phone, I dialed the number and waited for someone to pick up.  
  
"Hello?" I said. "Yuki."  
"Ah. Onee-san." he answered with his monotonous tone.  
"I've something to honestly ask you." My eyes looked at the ground and I couldn't believe I was doing this and yet my voice was as crisp and sharp as I had presented myself to be.  
"Hai."  
"Have you ever had an affair with Touma, Yuki?"  
Sighing in slight irritation, he answered, "No. Never."  
"You sure?" A tinge of my jealous flashed deep inside of me.  
"You're my sister, why would I ever do that? Ja."   
Click.  
  
Just like that...he hung up on me. I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't.  
Closing my eyes tightly, I wanted to shout at myself for acting irrationally and so stupidly.   
With tears streaming down my face as I walked down the hall towards our bedroom, I kept on thinking,  
  
"I refuse to cry."  
  
--  
Author's note: I didn't really like or dislike Mika, but I always thought she was as cool as her husband, but of course, I'll be worshipping Touma...but Ryuichi even more!!!! 


	10. Someone like you.

Disclaimer: Gravi isn't mine. ;_; End of story.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 10 - Someone like you.  
  
I walked out of the room and sleepily rubbed my eyes with the back of my head like a sleepy neko. I stopped as I was going to walk into the living room to find Yuki looking at a dead telephone with the beeping clearly echoing through the apartment walls.  
  
Beep. Beep.  
  
"What's wrong?" I tipped my head to the side full of concern on my face.  
  
Slowly placing the phone of the receiver, he placed his hand inside his pockets and walked past me as I had never existed. "Yuki..."  
  
And that hurt.  
  
  
That really hurt.  
  
  
I turned around to watch him walk away from me. Innocently, I asked, "Why are you mad at me?"   
  
Tap...tap...tap...  
  
Whenever he got mad, I never knew if it was me or if it was something else besides me. Whatever it was, I SHOULD have been used to this...but unfortunately, I wasn't.  
He should have at least said something. At least glare at me...  
  
...but he just walked past me...  
...as if I were never there...  
  
W-was this the way love was supposed to be?  
My eyes became watery and I ran out of the apartment like a complete fool to ask such a stupid question. And yet, the answers never would come to me as simply as I wanted them to.  
  
The rain was beginning to pour and there I ran faster and faster while crying. The sprinkling of water emerged to be a dam that just fell and my tears were doing the same.  
Wiping my nose in the rain, I wailed, "Why are you always like this to me, Yuki?"  
  
I don't understand if you really love me or just like the concept of loving me.  
You never tell me anything.  
I don't understand anything...  
  
Pounding on Hiro's door, he opened it with a cigarette in his mouth and gave me a strange look. "What are you doing this late-"  
Then, he stopped as I ran into his arms and hugged him while the door closed behind me.  
  
I'm wet and hugging him without thinking again.  
I hope he isn't mad at me...  
  
Without so much as a complaint, he looked down at me as I looked up with lips quivering and tears running down the sides of my eyes. "What happened, Shuichi?"  
"Yuki." I sniffed. "Yuuukkkiiii! WAHHHHH!!!!!!"  
Then, his eyes became slits and his tone became monotonous. "What did he do this time?"  
"He ignored me!"  
Shaking his head, he sighed and said matter-of-factly, "But doesn't he do this once in a while anyway?"  
With my own head shaking in his arms, I cried, "No, he really ignored me this time. And I don't know why..."  
His tone again became very low...with anger. Hugging me and placing my his head over mine, he watched the door in back of me. "I've had about enough of him."  
"Huh?" I blinked my eyes and looked up at him again.  
  
What...  
What are you doing, Hiro?  
  
Hiro began to hold me even tighter as he kissed the top of my wet head. Taking my head between his hands, he looked deeply at me. "I said I've had enough of him, Shuichi."  
Lifting his hand towards my neck, he leaned over and kissed me passionately, yet warmly on the lips.   
  
I'm not even pushing him off...  
  
"I know you best...I know what's good for you, Shuichi," he said as he hugged me tighter than he ever had before. "Leave him and stay with me now."  
"Hiro..."  
  
And for the first time in my life, I had seen a side of Hiro that I had never seen:  
A possessive one.  
  
He began to shake me as if to wake me up from my waking daydream. I then watched him, as if it weren't me, push me on his couch. Ripping my shirt open, he bent over me and gave me a sorrowful look as he began to kiss my neck.  
  
What you're doing is wrong Hiro...  
...but why can't I move...  
...I'm not shocked by what you're doing...  
...and I'm not even pushing you off...  
...I trust you too much...  
  
As he was going to take my short's zipper down, he stopped midway.  
"I can't."  
His eyes became wistfully as he looked down at me. "When you asked me what I really wanted, I somewhat lied to you."  
  
Hiro...? Lie...to me?  
  
With a clear and determined look in his eye, he replied, "What I wanted to really say was, 'What's in front of me.'"  
  
"What's in front of you..." I trailed off still shocked at this confession for he had been my friend for years and I didn't even see the signs at all...   
  
I...  
I kind of like...  
  
Looking away, I stared at the balcony. "Hiro...?"  
He still looked down at me with his hands to my sides and didn't move. "Yes, Shuichi?"  
  
For a moment there was a calm and peaceful silence.  
  
I want to say that I like this attention...  
That you won't do anything bad to me...  
That you won't hurt me like Yuki does with my heart and my mind...  
  
Blinking my eyes, I said, "What would you do if I went with you then?"  
  
I know you'll take good care of me, Hiro.  
Like you always have.  
  
I need someone like that...  
  
Without regret, I put my arms on his neck and looked straight into his eyes while lifting up my head.  
  
I need someone like you.  
  
Whispering before kissing him, I answered before he could respond, "Do as you please, Hiro..."  
Hesitantly, he responded back by leaning closer and closer to me.  
  
Don't misunderstand me Hiro...  
  
"Don't hold back." I whispered to his ear. "Do it."  
  
This is not a spur of the moment thing...  
In the back of my mind, I've denied it for a long time, but I've always thought about you...  
  
--  
Author's note: Oh gosh...I think I've gone overboard on the twisting...mwahahahahahaha! 


	11. You can't.

Disclaimer: Gravitation has been created by Maki Murakami and I just write this fanfic because of all the people I've met through this awesome series.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 11 - You can't.  
  
"Where is that baka?" I slept, well, actually trying to go to sleep.  
I laid there awake for how many hours of the night trying to figure out if I was playing a game tossing and turning or am I really grateful that it was peaceful.  
  
But this was a dead silence that held no peace.  
  
I had gotten upset with Shuichi again. And I had hurt his feelings.   
Even though it sometimes wasn't his fault...  
  
...I acted as if it were...  
...I didn't mean to...I just couldn't express my feelings any other way...  
  
Getting up and giving up, I sat on the couch and began to smoke for the umpteenth time that morning as I grew sick with worry. Even though I had a feeling he was with Hiro, that didn't help my situation.  
  
It actually made it much worse.  
  
I looked at that telephone as if it were going to bite me.  
That and that I hated talking to people when they had menial things to say to me.  
Like my sister and her insecurities about Seguchi-san...  
How she could think that I'd do something like that would piss almost anyone off.  
  
And Shuichi was in the middle of it.  
  
He just came to the wrong place at the wrong time.  
  
ARGH.  
  
I sighed there as I took my jacket with a huff and that cigarette still stuck in my mouth and locked the door harshly behind me. With that menacing look in my eyes, I drove around.  
  
Where would he go? Who would he see? We've many friends and acquaintances, but...  
"There's only one place he'd go at this time." My eyes became slits as I distastefully said to myself, "Hiroshi Nakano."  
  
I liked him all right. It's just that he always looked at Shuichi with the same eye I did. Only thing was that I had him and he didn't.  
He thinks he can threat me? I don't think so.  
  
But the way I'm feeling right now and the way Shuichi left without a word...  
...I think this is the breaking point.  
  
Without an umbrella or any discretion because I didn't even notice how wet I was, I knocked on his door. There was a shuffle that came to the door.  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming already. Sheesh."  
  
With the lock still intact, the door was slightly opened. "Hello."  
I glared at him. "Give him back."  
"Who are you talking about?"  
My eyes even became more squinted as my eyebrows were almost touching each other. "I want Shuichi. Now give him back."  
"No." As Hiro was about to close the door, I pushed the door.  
"Who is it, Hiro?" I heard in the back of him.  
"Just Yuki."  
Silence. We all stood silent.  
"You are making a scene." Then, he said something I didn't think he'd ever say to me. "Go home, Yuki."  
  
The boy that had always whined and complained of not getting any attention from me was now telling me to go away.  
  
I stood there as if I was slapped in the face. Then, I did something I didn't think I'd ever do...  
  
I broke the chain lock as I pushed the door and came into the apartment. Holding onto Hiro's wrist, I pushed him to the wall. "He's with you for one night, and you think it's all right."  
Hiro just stared back at me with nothing to say as my tone became more deadly towards him. "Just because you've known him longer, you think that you can keep him."  
Banging him against the wall, I said, "Well, I'm saying you can't! YOU CAN'T!!"  
"Why? I've known him, but I don't hurt him as much as you do." He glared at me even more. "I take care of him as one should!"  
I gripped his shoulders even more. "You think you love him better than me, don't you, Hiro-kun?"  
Then, he smirked at me happily with two squinting eyes saying, "Yes."  
  
I couldn't hold back and I started punching him over and over shouting, "You can't! YOU CAN'T! I KNOW YOU CAN'T!"  
The yelling to stop came to a halt as I heard Shuichi whisper,   
"Yukii..."   
  
I'm acting like a little kid...  
I'm watching someone else do this...  
This isn't me...  
  
He grabbed my shoulders and began to punch me back, "Why can't I, Yuki?! You think you can waltz into his life and expect him to always adjust his life for yours?! NO!!!"  
  
That's it...  
  
The animalistic look was in my eye. All I could see was red...  
And then I clutched onto Hiro's shirt and turned him around as I looked down at him. Banging him on the floor, I now lifted my voice and shouted, "I don't know why I love that baka! I JUST DO!"  
  
"Stop hurting him, Yuki." And Shuichi hugged me from the back. "Please, Yuuukkiii...."  
  
He began to cry and I let Hiro go. Looking to the ground, clenched my fists so tightly as my lip began to bleed because I bit it so hard to keep from saying anymore and for the things I couldn't say.  
  
He's crying...  
I made him cry again...  
  
"Maybe I can't say some things...Maybe I can't do some things..." I sighed. "I know that very well."  
Shuichi still held onto my waist from the back. "I know I always make you cry...but..."  
  
Holding my tears, my pride wouldn't let me cry. I pushed off his arms and turned around to face him. With my thumb, I smiled softly at him with a sorrowful look and wiped his tears away. "But you know what, Shuichi?"  
"Yeah?"  
"You're my blind game." I let go of him and began to walk out.   
  
"I'll pay for the lock." Stopping at the doorway, I said harshly to Hiro, "You make one wrong move with him, and I'll be here to kill you."  
  
He's not even running after me like he usually does...  
  
I cannot accept this...  
He has chosen Hiro...  
  
Then, I walked out without looking back. Putting my hand in my pocket, I took out a cigarette and lit it.  
  
My pride won't let me do anything for anyone.  
I can't show or tell my feelings and that's why I'm always frustrated with people...  
  
Wiping a tear away as I put on my shades in the car to start the engine, I thought,  
  
"You may as well, Hiro...  
...but I know better. And so I know you don't.  
  
He drives me crazy to the point that I can't think straight...  
I love him so much that it would scare you...  
  
Only for this boy would I do anything for...  
Only him..."  
  
  
You ask so many damn questions!!!  
Punching the steering wheel, my car gave a loud yell.  
  
BEEEEPPP!  
  
After pressing the car horn and leaning forward with my arms over my face, I, who wouldn't cry for anyone or anything in my life but Yuki, broke down in public and cried for Shuichi...  
  
I...I can't explain why I love you...  
I just do...  
Isn't that a good enough explanation?  
  
Isn't that a good enough explanation for you, Shuichi?  
  
--  
Author's note: Well, well, isn't this bad? I went from character to character only to find the theme just screamed out in blood here in this chapter...  
  
Aww...Yuuukkiii~! * glomp *  
  
This is dedicated to all the people supporting my writing so far...  
I'm so completely touched that you can't understand how happy I am.  
But most of all, it's Isshi's fault. She smiled at me and then she just had to encourage me until I wrote and wrote and wrote... 


	12. Kimeru. (To choose.)

Disclaimer: Gravi belongs to Murakami-sama.  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 12 - Kimeru. (To choose.)  
  
"I just do!" rang through my ears like a silent melody never mentioned. And my tears just wouldn't stop. And I kept on whispering to myself, "He said it."  
  
I have finally broken through that exterior that I tried so hard to pound on all this time. But when he finally came around, would I still accept it?  
  
Still crouching on the ground, Hiro closed the door and knelt down to embrace me. I put my hands over his.  
  
See? This is Hiro, Yuki.  
Though he is bleeding, though he could be hurting from every bone in his body, though I should be attending to him, he will still protect me...  
  
He will still care about me and abandon himself...  
  
Holding onto Hiro, I whispered while crying, "This is why I love you, Hiro. You're very warm."  
  
With Yuki, his touch is so cold...  
  
"But...but..." I began to sob even more heavily. "Why...why do you have to make me choose?"  
  
It was then that I saw Hiro's face change from his calm exterior to one of shock. But his grip on me was still firm.  
  
"I cannot choose. I need both of you," I said. "It may be selfish, but you two are the most important people in my life."  
  
We stayed there silent holding onto one another as the morning was to begin.  
  
I cannot compare or contrast anything. I can't say who is better or who is worse. That is something I cannot do. I cannot even pick my own breakfast in the morning or make lyrics at the drop of a hat and you expect me to choose something as important as this?  
  
You want to separate me from myself? This is how I'm feeling right now...  
  
Yuki is someone that had started out as some infatuation because he was handsome and I wanted to get back at him for dissing my lyrics when we first met. I wanted so much to crush that mocking smirk he had on that day.   
But then, I saw the side to him he wouldn't show to the world. And that means a lot to me. He trusts me that much...  
  
...to come in here and fight for me...  
  
Hiro is someone that has always taken care of me. If anything happened to me, he would be the first to have a say in it. He's been with me through thick and thin, whether or not he liked it. And I admire him for putting up with me...  
  
...to care so much it hurt him...  
  
Turning around, I silently got up and attended to Hiro's injuries. We didn't say a thing throughout the ordeal.  
Then, as he sat on his bed, I slipped into his lap and hugged him.   
  
I'm his blind game....  
that's what he said...  
his need and want...  
  
  
But I...  
my need and want is like this:  
  
I want to be taken care of...   
I want to feel needed even if you won't need me...  
even...even if you don't...  
  
Oh, Yuki...  
  
These are the things you don't understand about me...  
I can live without you, but then I can't just...  
  
"I..." but I couldn't finish as I kissed Hiro with all the love that I couldn't say or show all this time. From all the suppression of these years, I finally let it out.  
Holding Hiro more than I ever had, I whispered, "I..."  
  
I don't know what I'm doing...  
I may be making a mistake...  
  
But whatever it is,  
I know I feel secure...  
And all those things I ask,   
I have here without question...  
  
Putting his hair behind his ear and lying my hand on his chest, I looked up to his face.   
  
"I choose you, Hiro."  
  
---  
Author's comments: Ack...ack...i think i went to sappy. ;_; hope that isn't too much of a problem for you, but that's the flow of the story...  
  
It doesn't help that I'm listening to Seishirou's theme, 'Solid Gold' while I'm doing these chapters, ne? -_-;;;; 


	13. final - Boku no... (My...)

Disclaimer: This title is by Murakami Maki, but I present this fanfic as a form of deep appreciation for all the moments shared because of this series. ^_^v  
  
The Difference Between Need and Want  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
(Conclusion)  
Chapter 13 - Boku no... (My...)  
  
"I choose you, Hiro." I heard again in my mind as I sat on the side of the bed with Shuichi still sleeping in bed. Patting his head, I smiled and got up.  
  
But I knew better.  
This wasn't the way things were supposed to be.  
  
Yuki hasn't even picked up the phone to call him nor give his stuff to me. Hey, I don't blame the guy...  
  
As Shuichi awoke, he turned over and smiled. "Good morning, Hiro."  
  
Oh, how I love that smile so much...  
A smile meant only for me...  
  
But I knew this was wrong.  
  
Shuichi got up and went to the balcony to breathe in the morning air as he usually did. And here I would come in back of him to wrap my arms around him.  
  
He sighed.  
  
And it reminded me of the way I had made him cry. I had been the one to make him choose.  
I had broken his heart more than anyone could...even Yuki...  
  
It wasn't guilt...this was more than love...  
  
Still embracing him, I sang softly to his ear,   
"I am always quiet  
can't you see this isn't  
good for you and me?  
It's the distance that hurts me  
but how come you are so near...  
still cannot teach you.  
Still cannot reach you.  
  
There is no difference between   
Want and Need  
When it comes to you...  
  
I want to become more  
Than you think I am to you  
To be more than I think   
I should be,  
but I'll just smile like always  
hurting away behind the fence  
I've built between us  
as I look at you from afar.  
  
But why are you so near  
when I think you're so far?  
Aching beyond belief,  
I keep on reaching for you  
though I know you won't understand  
this concept of   
reaching back.  
  
There is no difference between  
Want and Need  
when it comes to you."  
  
Closing my eyes and trying to hold back my tears because of the song that I had dedicated to him for years but could never show to him, I just held him tighter.   
  
I want to be always with you, Shuichi.  
And I will always be, but not this way. I don't think we're meant to be in this way...  
  
Yes...  
  
"I've been so happy living in a dream for about ten days, Shuichi." I quivered a bit, but kept my resolve as I usually did. "But you should go home."  
  
Then, I whispered most painfully,   
"Go back to Yuki. He's waiting for you."  
  
Geez, I can't even look at him as I say this...  
  
"Hiro..." Shaking his head, he tried to protest. "But I like it here."  
  
"No. You're unhappy here." I kept on holding him without watching his face. "I know you too well."  
  
"Why all of a sudden-" his lip began to quiver and I tried much harder to become more cold.  
  
"Don't you like me here?" His began to shake and cry as he turned himself away from me.  
When I gave him a look, he became quiet. That was the one thing I could never lie about...  
  
"How can you ask that, Shuichi?"  
  
Then, he turned around to face me and began to blink his eyes as he smiled at me. "Always...Hiro. It's always you..."  
"You couldn't make a decision. I'll make it for you, Shuichi." I pushed him away. "Now go! Go back to Yuki!"  
  
I wish I could tear my arms off...  
  
He took up his things and packed them quickly. Walking out the door, he gave me a hug. "Why are you always the one saving me from being hurt too much?"  
  
Damn, you're making this so much harder...like you always do, Shuichi...  
But that's so you...  
  
Holding him with one arm and burying my face in his hair, I gravely whispered, "Because no one else will."  
  
No one but me...  
  
"Thanks for the dream, Shuichi. But you've got to go back to reality." Finally, I cried in front of him. Then, in frustration and last ounce of courage I could conjure inside of myself, I pushed him out of the threshold. "Go back before I change my mind, Shuichi!"  
  
Slamming the door, I heard the shuffling of feet running far away from me.  
  
We'll see each other tomorrow and forget about today.   
And that's the way it should be.  
  
Now, I understand you Yuki...  
Now I can see why you're so cold to him...  
You just can't show everything...or else you'll...  
  
For I myself can't...  
I can't describe it anymore...  
Not when it comes to Shuichi...  
  
Turning around, I went to the balcony and began to smoke a cigarette.  
  
"Want is something you just can live without but think you can't." I leaned my arms on the ledge. "Need is something you must possess no matter the consequences, or else you'll die."  
  
There is no real difference between need and want. Well, not anymore.  
  
Living with Shuichi for a few days taught me that you can't be selfish with your needs and wants. When you pass the line between these two things, you might suffocate and kill them and their own happiness.  
  
So I learned that because you truly love them to death...  
...you've to learn to let them go.  
  
Smiling to myself and taking another puff of smoke, I looked down because I couldn't stand looking out at the moment.   
  
But as to who has the greater need for Shuichi, we'll never know, won't we, Yuki?  
He may be your blind game, but he's my...  
  
My...  
  
  
...  
  
  
Unable to describe my greatest need and want anymore unlike Yuki, I tried to convince myself,   
  
"My best friend.  
As the way it should be...   
And nothing else."  
  
--  
Author's note: finished. finished. finished...  
Wow, it turned into a real drama but that's okay. I loved doing this regardless of the twists, turns, and sappiness...  
  
Yeah, I know. I hate doing that too, but I just did the whole Clamp vol. 16 'whisper thing' from Subaru to Seishirou because I'm being cruel...  
you fill in the blank.  
  
So, what do you think? 


End file.
